My Kintsugi: Battle Scars 2019

9 min readJul 9, 2020

My heart’s full of gold veins, instead of cracks.

Last year proved to be a long rollercoaster I couldn’t come off from.

I was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, life after graduation with all its woes. From networking, applications, interviews then comes the rejections. Never ending cycle.

A lot of people have associated the term “extra” when it comes to my personality. My bubbly, lively persona, it almost feels like I don’t have dark days. Here’s the thing you don’t realize about people of such nature; as bright as we shine, it gets really dark when the pain hits. Remember what they say about the people who smile the brightest…?

My pains hit in so many forms, the worst was physical. In August/September I would wake up every morning with a severe migraine. Imagine that: waking up and you want to scream! Some days I battled insomnia, others days I needed ice cubes on my head to stop the throbbing. I also would wake up nauseous and I would feel the most excruciating pain in both breasts that almost left me passed out on the floor.

I didn’t know what was wrong with my body so I decided to go to the hospital. I was off my school’s insurance, it took me searching over 3 hospitals for one to attend to me (American health care system is a joke). Picture me in pain, hopping from one bus to the next, one hospital to another; that was my reality. I finally found a hospital that would attend to me. I told the nurse my symptoms and she asked if I was pregnant. LOL I wish. Honestly I wish I was pregnant because I would understand better why my body was acting this way. I got tested, it was negative (duh! Like I had a man in my life). The kind nurse sat with me and asked if I was feeling stressed recently. Holding back my tears I said yes. I told her about the pain I felt in my breast and she went ahead to feel it. Turns out there was a lump in it all along.

I was referred to a specialist clinic but I couldn’t go there immediately with no insurance. I had to sign up for the public one and wait 2 weeks to hear back. Eventually I did and I got to schedule an appointment. The 1st picture was me at the clinic waiting to get tested days before my 25th birthday. As laid on the bed, closed my eyes to imagine worst case scenario, the doctor tells me that there were 2 lumps actually not one! Wow! Fortunately both were benign hence the pain. (if it hurts ladies, it’s benign). I went home with pain and nausea meds grateful I wouldn’t be billed for it all.

My life continued as normal, overly stressed. I was popping pain pills to get through my day and popping night pills to get through my night. In December, things were looking up, I had landed an interview with Google for a managerial position (yup I was that good). My interviewers were on a different time zone, my interviews had to be scheduled really early in the morning or late in the evening. Riddled with anxiety I would be up to read, practice etc. I passed all rounds of interviews and I was waiting for the result. Meanwhile, while the interviews were happening I kept feeling this dull pain on the left side of my abdomen each time I woke up. I would pop pills and move on with my day.

Until one day, the pain I felt crushed me like a wave, I thought I would die. No pain killers worked, I couldn’t lie down, I just kept holding back my screams and tears. My dear friend rushed me to the ER. For the 1st time in a long while I had an IV stuck in my arm, I had to be injected with a powerful pain med. I took various scans that day, nothing was found believe it or not. I felt so silly because I knew the pain I felt but there was no evidence of it. I spoke to a friend and she said it is probably a manifestation of the stress and anxiety I had been feeling for months. She was right.

By 2020, the pain and stress I felt increased even more when Google fell through. I am not sure what depression feels like but I experienced a side of me that I am very scared to show or talk about. For weeks I cried, didn’t leave the house barely ate, hardly showered. I was angry, disappointed and heartbroken. I don’t have suicidal tendencies but I actually imagined what it felt like to die. What would shake me from this thought was the realization that no one would find my body and my mother would worry sick if I didn’t pick her call for days.

I had felt the darkness cloud over me, one thing people don’t tell you about living abroad is that sometimes it gets so lonely. The man I loved for over 4years left me and for a while I didn’t care. I didn’t have the time to mourn his departure, instead I piled on work, networking, job applications as a distraction. It all worked, until it didn’t.

March 20th 2020, I decided I was done fighting, done being disappointed. I was very angry, resentful at a lot of people and things. I was crying a lot and very heartbroken. This was a potion for self-destruction. I decided to take a big step back to re-center. When I made the decision to go off social media, I knew it would be the right thing to do, I had planned to be away for a month. It lasted 3months.

In those 3months, I worked on myself, I let myself feel every single pain, the anger, the hurt. With the lockdown, my housemates weren’t around so I was alone with my thoughts. I began to pray more, I began to forgive, I began to heal. The beginning was tough, I was so self- critical of myself. I thought it was wrong of me to give up, I thought it was wrong of me to show any emotions/vulnerability on Twitter. The world deserves to see me in my yellow finest. This was my black darkest. I kept going over all the possible gossip lines from “friends” who claimed to care or check in, how excited they must have been to see me fail/fall. I imagined their laughter, I wrote down their lines of hate:

“When she was being extra up and down”

“Who told her she could be Black Bill Gates”

“She is trying to be American, by changing her name”

“She thinks she is Beyonce, like Bey knows she exists”

“Who does Pearle think she is”

The list is endless, but I will spare you the hate I felt for myself through people’s thoughts.

Eventually, I got over it. It took a lot of praying believe me. I had my devotional that was so apt to my situation, I felt like God was speaking through it. It was Lenten season so that also helped as I fasted and practiced Catholic doctrines during Holy week.

I began to heal, I no longer felt hate towards people or to myself. I wrote a lot, the days I couldn’t sleep, I would wake up to journal, write a poem or short story. I read books, went on long walks, took pictures of flowers which gave me the most joy, experiencing nature. During that time I also accepted the things I couldn’t change. I couldn’t change that I was an immigrant and the job search wasn’t in my favor. I accepted it was time to go home once the pandemic was over.

In those moments, I wrestled with God, I remember asking Him if this was His plan. I had planned be in the US for 5years and it’s only been 2. I heard a voice say to me “what if you have accomplished all you have to in 2 years?” Just like that, I found peace. All my scripture reading kept leading me to the phrase “Be still” “Stay calm” so I did just that.

By May, I felt this huge burden lifted off my chest. I slept better, I cried less. I danced more to loud music, the world looked so beautiful each day I woke up. I had no idea what my life would be like once this pandemic was over. I didn’t care, God said He had it under control. The universe was working in my favor.

And like that, with my new found self-acceptance, I found inner peace and happiness. I read about this Japanese tradition called Kintsugi. The Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections. For me, I found myself broken in many pieces, drawn to the darkness and God’s grace like Gold put me together again. My flaws to be seen as part of my story which makes it all the more beautiful.

When something breaks, like a vase, they glue it back together with melted gold. Instead of making the cracks invisible, they make them beautiful. To celebrate the history of the object. What it’s been through. And I was just… thinking of us like that. My heart’s full of gold veins, instead of cracks.- Leah Raeder

I write this long ass story because I refuse to live this life of “perfection.” If you are going to cheer/hype me on my bright days, if you are going to place me on a pedestal and be motivated by my actions- you deserve to know every side of me.

Creating Rated R was from the pain I felt, the pain I had been feeling and the pain a lot of people are feeling beyond the civil unrest. I have been practicing “self-care” for as long as I can remember. Before it became a thing, I was taught at age 10 the art of journaling, I started meditating since age 15 when I was Chapel captain where I sat before or after mass to reflect. I took long prayer walks in college & law school. At Berkeley, I was seeing a therapist, I was part of a Black women safe space called Selfology. With all this in place, I still felt the darkness rush in at my lowest these past months. I imagine people who have never practiced these or never showed vulnerability. I am writing this to anyone who feels the darkness closing in, I have been there. It is scary but let it in. Feel all the pain, cry all the tears, scream loud and then you fight.

You search for that light buried inside you, share your vulnerabilities, speak to a friend, journal, pray. It is okay to not be okay. Your flaw is beautiful. Your imperfection is beautiful. All your feelings are valid. Do not try to hide, do not try to fake a smile when the pain strikes. Do not be ashamed to share that pain. Do not be ashamed to seek help. The world is filled with liars, cowards who post so much about their success, never their failures. They share their “good side” but never the bad. You my friend are courageous. You are brave for stepping into the arena and sharing those parts of you.

This is your Kintsugi and when the light comes and fills you in like gold you will be the most beautiful of us all.

This is my Kintsugi.